if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Barsexuality is the new black.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
