Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
