Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
