So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
