Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Holy sore nipples Batman
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
