11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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