mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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