Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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