You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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