I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
