You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
