I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
