So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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