Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
