Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize