So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
