dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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