there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize