I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
