This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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