god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Couch. On fire.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
