Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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