does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
