So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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