I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
