you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
