Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
