My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize