did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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