hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
