Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
