U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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