I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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