i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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