I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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