Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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