There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
