Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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