I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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