I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
