The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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