so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
