Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
