A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
