as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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