I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
