NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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