Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
