why do cheetos always look like penises
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
