Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
