PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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