The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize