I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
