i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
