Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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