He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
