I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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