physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize