tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
